Jobs

I don't have a job right now. That is frightening and hard for me on many levels, because I often feel like I need to be doing something productive to feel useful. I also feel like every time I send out a resume or have an interview that I never hear back about, that someone has reviewed my qualifications--and more so me as an individual--and has rejected me or deemed me not qualified. In some circumstances I'm fine with their decisions, especially when I feel like I may not have been qualified for the position anyway. But sometimes, when I don't hear back from people whom I believe I have something to offer, it just hurts a little.

I know that people are busy at work and that there are many imperfections in the ways we communicate that sometimes may prevent someone entirely from reviewing my resume and qualifications. I also know that I shouldn't take it personally when I do not receive any kind of formal reply from a company. It just gets old after a while. One can only take so much.

I think that work will come soon, at least I'm trying to make it that way. I've tried to stay busy while not working, but lately I've found myself with a lot of downtime that I either can't or won't use for anything productive. That bothers me on many levels, because there's plenty of things I could be doing that are productive. I've also come to value the times when I feel like I'm doing something normal, or something that I should be doing. For example, going to bed. That may sound strange, but when I go to bed I feel like "ok, this is something that I need to do and I'm doing it." It feels like a small victory.

Also, despite not working, I still really look forward to the weekends. On the weekend I feel normal again, because I know that even if I had a job, I probably wouldn't be working, and that a lot of people who do have jobs aren't working while I'm not, as they would be during the week. It's just nice.

I guess all this is to say that I often realize in my self that I am obsessed with what I cannot or do not have. When I'm not working, I strongly desire to work. When I was in school and swamped with work at the end of a semester, all I could think about was when I wouldn't have any obligations and the freedom that comes with that. I guess the lesson I've learned during this time is that like so many areas of life, I need balance in my working life. Even now I don't desire to be swamped with work, and I'm sure that the next time I'm overwhelmed with work I won't desire complete freedom from my responsibilities, because both situations aren't balanced. I think everyone has a different balancing point, but I admire people who know their's, and I hope to be one.